The last few days have been a blur. The final tube is out as of yesterday. What a relief.

I have a fistula. No STP for me yet. Gotta wait to see if it closes on its own as most do within 3 months.

Patience. Not my thing. I’ve already booked the follow up in October.

Has this been worth it? Too soon to say. I couldn’t bear the dysphoria any longer. So it has to be worth it long term.

Worked another full day plus some. Desitin is now my friend. I’m walking around smelling like an infant. Still intermittent annoying dribbles. Attractive. Not. Self esteem is in the gutter.

I managed to accidentally yank on the supra pubic catheter enough to make it ooze a bit of blood. It’s sore. I can’t wait until it comes out Monday.

Good things that happened today? I managed to avoid taking any OTC pain meds and did a full doc review without loosing my train of thought. Maybe the post anesthesia haze is wearing off.

I’m hoping to feel well enough to drive along the coast this weekend. I need some true NorCal time!

Day 7 was a blur. Too much work. No rest. Irritating bleeding and dribbling. General misery.

I was finally able to peel off some of the gauze and bandages around the supra pubic cath. It was sore and moist and getting air to hit it felt good. I also managed to re-tape my cath tube so there’s less pulling.

The highlight of my day was an awesome steak sandwich on a sourdough roll with olive tapenade and melted machengo cheese. My friends know how to cook delicious food.

I’m so worried about passing the pee test Monday. I really need this cath out.

Yesterday was a wash. I hope I can rest more today and focus on healing. I want to finish reading “Sexing the Body” by Ann Fausto. The print is tiny and footnotes endless but it’s worth the effort!

For some strange reason I had more pain last night – especially the V-nectomy. Burning itching and tearing is the best way I can describe it. No blood. Just waves of pain. I took acetaminophen and waited for it to subside to a low enough roar so I could sleep to the soft drone of CNN in the background.

I woke up early and started my work day. It’s hard to stay seated for long periods and dealing with the laptop from a more supine position gives me a neck ache. So I go in fits and starts as best I can.

I miss my Scottie. He misses me. I’m getting reports of lots of toilet paper shredding incidents. Hope he doesn’t graduate to anything more deadly. His carefree Westie brother is doing fine – a truly happy pup in any circumstance. I wish I could be more like the Westie but alas the Scottie and I are soul mates.

I also miss getting up and down without mustering the fortitude to deal with all the sensations that creates. I just realized my mons resection scar literally runs from hip to hip. I wonder how many stitches I have. Thank goodness I had decent abdominal strength pre-surgery (you wouldn’t believe it by appearance) because I couldn’t have gotten in and out of bed unassisted otherwise.

I miss feeling invigorated by a shower. Right now they wipe me out for at least an hour.

So far the T hasn’t made a dent in my mood. Another dose on Thursday. Maybe I will lighten up by the weekend. I’d like to feel well enough to see the Pacific and the Golden Gate.

Doc took out first stent. One down. One to go next week.

I am still getting occasional pressure and dribbles through the urethra which technically shouldn’t happen with the supra public catheter still in place. I’m going to trust those brave ones who’ve gone before me that this is a good sign.

Not knowing if this will all result in being able to STP is frustrating. I’ll be devastated if not so I’m trying to mentally prepare for the worst.

Doc let me restart T today so I’m hoping my bleak outlook improves. My friends (we actually consider ourselves family) here in San Francisco are the best – I’m in very good hands.

So I’ll count my blessings and try to celebrate the little wins of each day.

Wins today:

- first stent out
- restarted T
- worked a full day in spite of fatigue
- enjoyed the best beef burrito South San Francisco has to offer

Taking a shower for the first time was heaven. And exhausting. I hate being reminded how weak I still am. I only took 3 pain pills post surgery and hoped that would help me be more alert but the muscle fatigue from 7 hours on a hard surgery table cannot be under estimated.

The pain is tolerable and changes from twinges around the incision for the mons resection to what I can only describe as spasms around the urethral stent. I have to irrigate the stent every three or four hours and every time there is blood. It makes me fear the doc will not take it out tomorrow.

I can sit for about 20 minutes at a time. I have a long way to go to work up to a six hour flight back East. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready at the pace I’m going! I am 51 years old in my head but the reality of what that means for extra healing time hasn’t connected quite yet.

When I look in the mirror the dysphoria is definitely lessening. I’m still quite swollen but hope as things sort out it will get better.

I never gave birth but I suppose the aftermath of a vaginectomy comes close to the level of trauma a woman may experience. Giving birth was something I never wanted to experience but now it feels like I had to do something quite like it to give birth to me. I’m relieved. Glad it’s gone. Finally.

I woke up in the middle of the night feeing like I had to pee. Impossible. I have a catheter.

Went to bathroom and there it went – urine and blood. Some coming out of the stent. Not sure where else.

I sat in shock for a bit then cleaned up best I could. I noticed very little urine had collected in the bag while I slept. Could I possibly have linked the hose?

I went back to bed and drank some water. Urine in bag this morning seems normal. Still have drips of blood from stent.

I see the doctor today. I hope this doesn’t mean I’ve already blown up the pipes.